


What We Want And What We Can Never Have

by Mistiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Rating: NC17, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistiel/pseuds/Mistiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's everything Dean's wanted but was too scared to take for himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Want And What We Can Never Have

**Author's Note:**

> Saw this prompt on Tumblr. Couldn't let it go, so here it is. Why can't my next chapter come to me this easily? Also, please don't hate me for this. ;A;

Strands of sunlight peek in through partially opened curtains, ruffled by the faint morning breeze brought in from the window left open. There is a hint of bustle about the streets and the soft chirping of birds. This is how Dean wakes up, stretching languidly in a bed that's too soft to be his own, and when he rolls over he notices that he is also not alone. There is a mop of black that is a stark contrast to the ivory bedding they're laying under and Dean can't help but grin to himself.

The man scoots closer beneath the covers and leans in to press his mouth against a shoulder, the skin equally warm as his own. His hand snakes up the others back and over slender hips, and then down. He is pleased with what he finds, fingers circling the half hard cock there.

"Dean .." Comes a muffled, gravelly reply and Dean closes his eyes to relish it. When he opens them again he finds Castiel looking up at him, his blue eyes now wide awake and staring at him with a look of both concern and agitation at being woken up. "Isn't it too early for this?" The man grumbles.

Dean can't help but grin as he darts in for a kiss. "Never too early." He murmurs as his hand slides up from Cas' cock to his stomach and then his chest, fingers daring to learn every inch of the angel. Dean moves over Castiel, and the shorter man parts his legs instantly, allowing the man to settle between them and they both groan at the contact.

The pace they set is quick, a rough slide of bodies and keening moans. Dean kisses every inch of Castiel that is within his reach, his hands following, committing to memory every feeling and sensation. He wants to remember this moment for the rest of his life.

"God, Cas .." Dean moans as Castiel meets each thrust of his hips, one arm wrapped around his neck while the other grips tight at his short hair. All the pent up emotions he's kept bottled all these years rise up without warning and it causes the man to let out a choked sound as he buries his face against Cas' neck.

"D-Dean?" Castiel pants out, his movements slowing some as he turns his head to look down at his lover. "Dean?"

"M'fine .." He mutters as he lifts his head, pressing warm kisses along his neck and jaw. "I just .. god, Cas, I .. love you .. I love you, Cas. And I miss you, so fuckin' much." The man whispers hoarsely.

"I love you too, Dean, and I'm not going anywhere." He states slowly, seriously, watching Dean closely. "What's wrong, Dean? Where is this coming from? Is this because of Sam?"

That, instantly, gets his attention. "Sam? What's wrong with Sam?" Dean asks, pushing himself up onto his hands so he can look down at Castiel squarely, bracing himself for whatever bad news there is.

"Nothing is wrong with Sam, but I know how close you two are, and I know that this has been hard on you." Castiel starts as he reaches up to gently cup Dean's face. "But this is a great opportunity for Sam, and I know you know that."

Dean blinks in confusion. "What the fuck are you talkin' about Cas?"

Castiel sighs and rolls his eyes. "Just how much did you drink last night?" The man shakes his head bemusedly. "Sam made senior partner, remember? We celebrated last night. I thought you said you were alright with Sam moving cross-country."

"I -- what? No, I am .. I am. I just .. had a bad dream, that's all." Dean said, visibly relaxing some. "Now, less talkin' and more movin'." He said with a grin, and Castiel moaned in reply.

It was less frantic than before, but none the less passionate, and feeling himself edging closer and closer, Dean slides a hand down between them and wraps his fingers around their cocks, stroking hard and fast. Castiel keens beneath him, head thrown back and eyes wide, nearly black with lust.

"D-Dean .. Dean!" Castiel cries out, hands scrabbling at his back, one cupping the back of his neck and the other slides down to grasp hard at Dean's left shoulder, directly over the mark that should be there but isn't.

Dean comes almost instantly from that touch alone, a loud shout of Cas' name as he spills between them and seconds later Castiel is there with him, hips jerking hard as more warmth coats his fingers. Dean collapses over Castiel and the man merely hums in reply as he cards a hand through Dean's sweaty hair.

"Definitely need to wake up like this more often." Dean mumbles against Castiel's neck, and he can feel it when the man chuckles.

"Mmm, but now we will likely be late." Castiel replies, though he doesn't sound all that upset, though it does pique Dean's interest.

"Late for what?"

".. Next time I am cutting you off, if your memory is going to be this terrible."

Dean huffs out a laugh and pushes himself up some. "But no seriously, late for what?"

"The luncheon we're having with your brother. He leaves next week, and he'll be busy with the arrangements. And don't forget we said we'd see him off, as well."

"Oh, right, well let's get crackin' then." Dean says as he rolls off of Castiel and throws back the covers. When he moves to the edge of the bed it's the first time he's gotten a real look at the bedroom. The room itself is in plain white but there are splashes of color all around. From the paintings that hang on the wall to the beige drapery framing the windows. There is a bookcase against one wall that houses a mixture of books and records and he knows those are his and Cas'.

This is their place. They live together.

Dean turns to Cas but the man speaks up before he can even open his mouth. "No, we're showering separately or we might miss lunch all together." Castiel says with a quirk of his lips. "There is always later, if you behave yourself today."

"What? I always behave myself!" Castiel gives Dean an answering snort of amusement before leaving the bedroom, a second door closing moments later.

Dean takes this time to get a closer look at the place they were living in. It is a one bedroom apartment -- which makes sense, it isn't like they needed a lot of room when they were sleeping together anyway. There is a good sized living room, a tiny dining area and a fairly nice kitchen. Everything is neat, orderly and clean and that has to be Cas, because he never cleaned.

Ruffling through some papers on the table Dean finds check stubs from Singer Salvage and a local bookstore called 'Bookmarks', where Castiel works. It figures, he thinks, Cas always did seem like the nerdy type.

When the shower turns off, Dean ambles back into the bedroom to root through their shared closet for something to wear, turning to Castiel when the man enters the room.

"This thing formal or not?"

"No, Dean, it's just lunch." Castiel replies, shaking his head.

Dean has a rather difficult time taking his eyes off the man as he walks by, and then sheds his towel to dry his hair and change.

"Right, I'll be done in a few." He says as he grabs something to wear and heads into the shower, where he jerks himself off again before washing up, getting out and drying off.

It takes little time after that for them to get ready and Dean whoops when he sees his baby parked out in front of the apartment complex. It's only when he gets up to her that he realizes he doesn't have the keys. And that Cas has already gotten in the driver's side.

"Dean, we need to go now if we're going to be on time." Castiel says, trying to stay patient.

Dean huffs a sigh as he slides into the passenger seat and buckles up. Castiel laughs a little. "I'm not carrying out a cardinal sin, Dean. I'm just driving. I'll even let you pick the music." He says placatingly. It works. Dean finds a classic rock station and blasts it, only turning it down once they've rolled into the parking lot, and it's then that he realizes where they're at.

".. The Roadhouse?" Dean went rigid at the familiar sight of the bar, which was now apparently a bar and grill.

Castiel casts him a strange look as he comes to a stop and slides the gear into park, and turns her off. "You were the one who suggested it, Dean. Was this not the place you meant?"

"No no, no it is, just .. nevermind." He says as he shakes his head and gets out. Just as he's rounding the front of his baby, Castiel steps up to him, all up into his personal space and christ, he's missed this.

"Dean, what's wrong? You've been acting strange all morning -- stranger than usual." He amends, a tiny smile crossing his face. "Is this ... about your dream?" The man asks carefully, "Do you want to talk about it?"

The strange thing is that he does. He wants to confess all his sins to Castiel, and beg for forgiveness he hasn't earned. But he doesn't. He just shakes his head and grins. "Nah, c'mon, I think we've kept everyone long enough."

He is surprised when Castiel lets it drop, smiles and slides his warm hand into his own, fingers curling surely around his hand as he leads Dean into the Roadhouse.

And it's just as he remembers it, before it was blown to kingdom come. There's a lingering scent of booze, burgers and stale cigars, and fuck it's never smelled so good. He sees Ellen behind the counter, and Jo serving tables far to his left. His eyes linger on the blond as she moves with certainty through the mingle of people, taking orders and busing tables. She looks good, alive and happy -- well, at the moment she's telling some jackass off for grabbing her ass by twisting his arm behind his back. It makes him grin.

He's pulled out of it when Castiel walks away, taking Dean with him as they move through the opposite side of the bar to where his brother is seated, in a corner booth. He stills a moment when he turns, and so does the blond next to him, and goddamn ain't she a sight for sore eyes.

"Sammy, Jess." Dean grins, watching as his younger brother unfolds from the table to give him a hug, which Dean returns, tighter and longer than it usually is. He's surprised when Sam does the same to Castiel before they all sit down. Sam and Jess on one side, him and Cas on the other. He notes the matching rings on their linked hands and can't fucking stop grinning.

"So," Sam starts, fidgeting. Jess gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. "I know that I told you guys we were moving but .. we decided to stay, instead."

"Sammy?" "Why?" Both men answered at once, though Dean can't say he isn't a little bit happy to hear that. He knows it's fucked up, on a lot of levels, but he can't stand the thought of not having Sam around anymore.

"So what changed your mind, Sammy? Thought this was a huge chance for you." Dean asks, because he knows once Sam's got his mind set on something he doesn't give up lightly.

"A lot of things, actually. But honestly, I didn't want to be that far away from you guys. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. So I talked to my boss and they offered me another position. I would have to give up being senior partner, but the hours would be better, and I'd be making more than I was before." Sam explains, and looks over at Jess, who just smiles and squeezes his hand, encouraging him.

"That's not all tho, is it?" Dean prompts, hedging a guess that there's more to this than he's being told. Castiel gives him a similar questioning look.

This time, Sam practically beams when he speaks. "No, it's not. The other big factor is that .. well, Jess is pregnant. And we wanna be close to our families.

Dean is completely floored, and looking over to his right he can see Castiel is equally surprised. But then Dean grins and lets out a whoop of excitement before clapping his brother on the shoulder and pulling him across the table into a hug, while Castiel politely congratulates Jess.

Pulling back, Sam grabs both Dean and Cas' hands in his own. "There's something else. I -- we, me and Jess, we want you guys to be the baby's godparents. I mean, if you want."

"Are you shitting me? Of course we do! Right Cas?" Dean asks, and Castiel looks obviously taken aback by the request and is silent for a moment, but then a wide smile crosses his face as he nods. "We would be honored, Sam."

Sam let go of their hands, but Castiel keeps his grip on Dean's and smiles at him, then surprises him wholly by leaning over and kissing him squarely on the lips. In front of his little brother. "See, nothing to worry about." Castiel says softly, thumb rubbing idly over the back of his hand.

When Dean looks over to the pair across the table, all he sees are fond expressions and small smiles. That's good, that's real good.

"Alright, let's get this party started!" Dean exclaims as he stands up and hollers, "I need two pitchers over here! My little brother's gonna be a dad!" The bar erupts into cheers and whoops of excitement seconds later, and Sam has his head buried in his hands, practically dying of embarrassment.

Several people come up to congratulate Sam and Jess, and he watches a few feet away, unable to contain just how utterly happy he is right now, how happy he is for Sammy.

This is everything he's wanted.

Sam is happy, successful, and about to start a family of his own. The next generation of Winchesters.

Dean has Cas by his side, and there's nothing else he needs, everything is perfect.

Castiel leans into his side, arms around his waist as he rests his chin on Dean's shoulder. "I told you everything would work out fine, didn't I? You were so worried last night." Castiel chuckles, leaning up to press a kiss to the corner of Dean's mouth. "There's nothing to be afraid of, Dean."

"I know, Cas. I've got everything I want right here." He says, as he looks over to Castiel, the man's warm smile lighting his eyes a beautiful, brilliant blue hue.

But then Castiel is looking at him with a worrisome expression, and it takes him a moment to realize the edges of his vision are beginning to blur out, and then suddenly the scenery flickers in and out, like the picture on an old television set. The Roadhouse flickers to an abandoned building, and back again. Dean stumbles back when Castiel reaches out for him.

"Dean? Dea -- are yo -- what's wr -- Dea --" Castiel flickers in and out of existance right before him, and his vision blurs more and more, everything tangling together like a sticky spiderweb. Dean panics and lurches forward, his hand outstretched to grab onto Cas. He can't lose him, not again. Please, god, not again.

"Dean!" Castiel says, but it's not Cas' voice he hears. "Dean! C'mon man!" And then he's gone. Cas is gone and Dean is staring blearily up into his brother's worried, angered face. His whole body feels heavy, like molten lead, and he realizes belatedly he's only being held up by Sam's brute strength. Sam gently lowers Dean down onto he ground, and checks his pulse before pulling the IV drip out of his arms as carefully as he can.

"Jesus Christ, Dean. What the fuck were you thinking?" Sam growls out as he takes inventory of the cuts marring Dean's now pale skin, panicked that he's lost so much blood in so little time. "No weapons, no back up. Were you _trying_ to get yourself killed?!"

Dean doesn't say anything, just stares up at Sam for a few minutes and then drags his gaze to the dead Djinn lying in a puddle of its own blood not fifteen feet away, and it all clicks together like pieces of a puzzle. This is his life, not the life the Djinn had given him, the life he had -wanted-. A choked sound escapes him as his hands scramble for the IV, and Sam has to stop him from jamming it back into his arm.

"Dean! What the fuck, man!" Sam shouts as he shoves the whole thing away from them -- bag, IV drip and all. Dean nearly sobs at the loss of it.

"Back .. go back .." Dean rasps out, fingers outstretched on the dirty ground toward the torn IV bag, it's contents spreading over the concrete.

"What are you talking about? Dean?"

"Want to go back .. happy .. was happy there." His vision blurs, but this time with tears as he shakily drags his other arm to cover his face as tears track down his cheeks.

Sam's eyes widen and his face goes slack before it crumbles. "Oh god, Dean .. Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam gets it now, and he's still angry as fucking hell, but he gets it.

Sam shifts to sit on the ground and pulls Dean half up against him, wraps his arms tight around his older brother. He'd already called the ambulance when he first found Dean, and now all they can do is wait. He tightens his grip on Dean as sobs wrack his weak body.

"It's .. it's okay Dean, it'll be okay."

Dean just shakes his head. "s'gone Sammy .."

"I know, Dean .."

"Cas' gone .."

"I know .."

"He ain't comin' back, Sammy."

"... I know."


End file.
